Tov and hesed
March 6, 8, and 13 hold poignant memories of four of the most painful losses that I have experienced so far. I have unknowingly dreaded March for a few years now but it wasn’t until this time around that I realized that those four losses across different years all land so close together.
I, like most, avoid metabolizing my grief and choose to stuff it deep down so it can choke me out later. This year I am working to change that practice, in hopes that this time next year all of these unprocessed memories do not jump out at me again like an annual grief jack-in-the-box.
People have lots of opinions about whether or not God speaks to us and how. I have too many unexplainable experiences where God has prepared me and specifically comforted me to deny that He speaks to us today in specific, real ways. A few years ago before one of these terrible losses occurred I felt the kind and gentle question, “Do you trust Me?” My answer was an immediate emphatic “No!” The first time I was truly honest with God. Later that day when the loss happened I was reeling, but then I remembered that gentle question and it anchored me.
Throughout the difficulties of the next few years I would come back to that question. The difficulties did not end, but my answer began to shift. What was an emphatic no, shifted to a maybe. More struggles, and my answer became a small hesitant yes. More loss, and my answer became a quiet yes. Today as I reflect on all that has happened, my answer is a confident yes. Have my circumstances been magically fixed? Not in the slightest. But three years ago, I could not say yes because I was seeing a foggy Jesus.
There are a lot of reasons I was seeing a foggy Jesus. People of all generations sometimes see a foggy Jesus because of the way that evangelical rapture/purity culture did us dirty over the last few decades. Due to the ramifications of this culture, a lot of us feel shame and pressure coming from God that just isn’t there.
Foggy Jesus can’t be trusted because foggy Jesus demands perfection and will blow up your life to test you for his glory. Foggy Jesus will save you in the end but expects you to not tarnish his reputation in the meantime. Foggy Jesus demands that you keep up the facade while your insides crumble because he is ashamed of any sign of weakness. But thank God, foggy Jesus is man-made.
In the middle of this storm that continues far past the expiration date I tried to give it, I can now clearly see that Jesus is who He always said He was. Jesus is not ashamed of me in my suffering. He does not have to look away until I get myself together. Jesus is Immanuel, God with Us, Prince of Peace, our Good Shepherd, our Creator-Redeemer, Friend of Sinners. Jesus is trustworthy and He meant what He said about His love for us.
I was studying for my Hebrew class and I came across Psalm 23:6. Reading this Psalm in Hebrew helped me see it in a new way. The english translations of these words do not capture the depth that exists inside of each Hebrew word. “Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Tov and hesed (ט֤וֹב וָחֶ֣סֶד) are the Hebrew words for “goodness and love”. Tov doesn’t just mean good in the same way we use good to describe everything. Tov is the wholest, deepest, richest, fullest goodness of God. Hesed is God’s steadfast loving-kindness, a loyal merciful kind love that is patient and long-suffering. The word for “follow” isn’t equivalent to our lackadaisical use of follow, like how you passively “follow” someone you like on social media. “Follow” in this verse means to pursue.
Even with all this difficult stuff happening I can confidently say that I know without a shadow of a doubt that the tov and hesed of God will pursue me for my whole life. Jesus can be trusted even when circumstances don’t make sense. Jesus can be trusted because He promises to pursue us with the wholest, fullest, deepest, richest goodness and the most loyal, kind, steadfast patient love imaginable all the days of our life. Not just the days that you have it all together. ALL the days of your life, that love is there for you to carry you through. And that, my friends, is a trustworthy God.